Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Feeling Better
okay so during my last post I was clearly feeling angry and very emotional. But I think I feel better now. lol. Things have gotten better and I'm used to working at chic-fil-a now- so things are turning upwards. I did apply for a position at the Fresno Pacific North Center but for some reason I'm not feeling like it's going to come through- not a surprise since from the begining God has been doing some funny things with the direction I'm headed in. any ways, what else can I say- I have figured out that I love teaching and thus want to be in ministry interacting and growing with people, but I haven't decided or rather figured out what department I want to be in more- childrens or womens? I like when I'm teaching kids and they finally understand what Jesus is saying! it's one of the coolest moments ever when it finally clicks with them- but I also like connecting with women and encouraging them through the word- ya know? I feel like God might keep me at Chic-fil-a while he grows me some more- which isn't so bad- but I just want everything now- I want my dream job now. I don't want to wait God knows how long, lol. just give it to me now! please? I don't think I can persuade God. oh well...there's an update for everyone since my last temper tantrum.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
More Changes
Sigh...today was our first Sunday at North West which will probably lead to many more Sundays at North West.
Change is hard, this has been a whole year of change for me and I don't like it but it's not my place to tell God how he's supposed to be running my life.
I'm getting used to working at Chick-fil-A and learning to make every single day a day to (a) serve the Lord and (b) serve our owner Sonja. It's hard at times. Sometimes I'm so tired of people I don't think I can stand the sight of another person, and sometimes I'm faced with so many challenges I just want to give up sit in a corner and cry. But then I stop sabotaging the situation and relax to see what God can do through me and He does a lot!
I miss stability. More than anything I'm reeling from the neglect I felt from our previous church. Being let go and wished a happy life by the ones you love sucks when you trust yourself to them and they don't seem to care any more because you are no longer an asset to them. No one thinks it's going to happen to them and everyone pretty much turns a blind eye to it until it gets them too. I really have been trying to process feeling betrayed and neglected by the same church that brought me to Christ.
It all sounds depressing but it's everything that I've been dealing with lately and I needed an outlet. I've decided I'm not going to turn a blind eye to these things anymore. I get so mad when it's just accepted as normal. That's not what Christians are called to and I will never be a part of something like that- or a church like that ever.
Change is hard, this has been a whole year of change for me and I don't like it but it's not my place to tell God how he's supposed to be running my life.
I'm getting used to working at Chick-fil-A and learning to make every single day a day to (a) serve the Lord and (b) serve our owner Sonja. It's hard at times. Sometimes I'm so tired of people I don't think I can stand the sight of another person, and sometimes I'm faced with so many challenges I just want to give up sit in a corner and cry. But then I stop sabotaging the situation and relax to see what God can do through me and He does a lot!
I miss stability. More than anything I'm reeling from the neglect I felt from our previous church. Being let go and wished a happy life by the ones you love sucks when you trust yourself to them and they don't seem to care any more because you are no longer an asset to them. No one thinks it's going to happen to them and everyone pretty much turns a blind eye to it until it gets them too. I really have been trying to process feeling betrayed and neglected by the same church that brought me to Christ.
It all sounds depressing but it's everything that I've been dealing with lately and I needed an outlet. I've decided I'm not going to turn a blind eye to these things anymore. I get so mad when it's just accepted as normal. That's not what Christians are called to and I will never be a part of something like that- or a church like that ever.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Bummed Out
The last couple of days I've just been complaining over and over again about having to go to work to a fast food restaurant- even though I haven't started. During the days my heart beats faster and I'm nervous about how everythings going to start and get going. Part of me kept hurting at the idea of going back to work but I couldn't put my finger on why- I just kept feeling empty and sad.
I think I just bearly realized it today was because I'm not going to be with Jesse anymore. For eight months we've gone to work together and spent almost a hundred percent of all of our time together and we've grown so much from that. Now I'm going to be spending a major part of my day without turning around and seeing him next to me and it really makes me cry. I don't understand why we have to go threw what we're going threw and why this change in our life had to happen so quickly and unexpectantly and why it does not seem as though there are going to be any more doors that are giong to open to Jesse and I that allows us to further the Kingdom together. It feels like we're being seperated. I know it sounds like I'm being dramatic but after you've grown so close to a person any distance seems like a tearing away. I wish we could work together somewhere and know we were doing the work of God. I just don't know any more.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Chic-Fil-A
Okay people- latest bit of news is that I did land a position somewhere (finally!). In fact I think I got the last position too- It's at Chic-Fil-A and it's located next to the In-n-Out on Blackstone and Nees, so if you want to visit me you know where to find me. Next week is training and the week after that is the grand opening (the 18th). Next Friday and Saturday we'll be giving away free sandwhiches if you guys have never had any Chic-Fil-A food before- the goal is to give away 10,000- you should stop on by or I'll let you know where you'll be able to go to find us.
Also another possible position is as a caregiver for an elderly lady- her name's Mary and it's a connection through some friends at Church. So we'll see how it will work, I'll know for sure how it's going to work out by Friday when I get to check my schedule. I can't believe I'll be working and earning money- it's been such a long time! The only thing is that I'll mostly be working with High schoolers (I think- I haven't met my co-workers yet) but I'm pretty sure they're going to be great to work with.
anyways thank you for all of your prayers, I'm just trying to praise the Lord for everything he's providing us with. It's pretty awesome. Thank you Lord!
'
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Shack
Okay so I've been reading this book that my friend Katie let me borrow titled The Shack written by William P. Young. It's supposed to be about this man who meets God in a Shack somewhere in the middle of a frozen wasteland (it's fiction btw). Anyways- I thought it would be interesting to read it considering my current circumstances- being denied the nth job I applied to- and everything looks good- my resume has been perfected several times, blah blah blah still haven't gotten a job and at this point I'm wondering what in the world God is up to. He is getting to the point where He is making me furious.
Getting on with it- anyways there's this point in the dialogue when Mack- (main character who's meeting with God)- and Papa -(God) are talking about why humans feel so limited, not understanding the love of God and how that changes their understanding and view of God. I should also mention that in the book, God is a big black lady- any ways here's it goes:
"Well, I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not." (Mack speaking) He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but she ignored it completely.
"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. Mackenzie, I am what some would say 'holy and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think." (pg 98)
Anyways- I read this and it made me laugh a little- I think I'm doing that with God right now- making him the best picture of me. I'm trying to understand Him by giving Him a human mind limiting Him in the same ways all humans are. This is all so confusing. I keep thinking that if I accuse Him of something- He'll have to show up to defend Himself. Nothing yet- I'll report back when I have a shack like experience with Him- boy will that be fun.
Getting on with it- anyways there's this point in the dialogue when Mack- (main character who's meeting with God)- and Papa -(God) are talking about why humans feel so limited, not understanding the love of God and how that changes their understanding and view of God. I should also mention that in the book, God is a big black lady- any ways here's it goes:
"Well, I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not." (Mack speaking) He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but she ignored it completely.
"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. Mackenzie, I am what some would say 'holy and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think." (pg 98)
Anyways- I read this and it made me laugh a little- I think I'm doing that with God right now- making him the best picture of me. I'm trying to understand Him by giving Him a human mind limiting Him in the same ways all humans are. This is all so confusing. I keep thinking that if I accuse Him of something- He'll have to show up to defend Himself. Nothing yet- I'll report back when I have a shack like experience with Him- boy will that be fun.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I'm back!
Yay! I'm back online- this only took about forever! my computer was slowly starting to die on me and I couldn't watch it sink down in to nothingness so I stopped using it completely. Jesse is more connected online and had to deal with the dumb Dell computer- this was bad and it didn't even have a virus! it took ten minutes to load sometimes fifteen and if you tried to open a program up in the middle of the loading process (heaven forbid) it would take twenty minutes total and to top that it would freeze when it was done- can you believe this? Me and Jess decided that the next computer we invest our money into is definately Not going to be a pc- it's going to be a mac. Wow I never thought we would have turned but Dell did it.
Any ways the coolest part of my day yesterday was that I got to talk online with Julia who's in Japan! it was so nice to hear from her and I didn't realize it until I began chatting but I missed her so much and to know she was so far away was sad. I did want to ask her how great the possibility was for her to jump from Japan and into China to see the Olympics- but I think that would sound way too dumb, lol, so I didn't ask.
Onto the hard stuff- so they let Jesse go from NewCov cause of budget problems. Yeah...lol, now we're both home with some projects to do but I find myself flipping back and forth through different emotions. Mad at everything- including the church and then I feel so free because we are no longer tied down to New Cov. I remeber feeling a little trapped because of this job because I thought we'd always have to stay in Fresno. I honestly thought Jesse would have this job forever. I thought maybe ten years down the road God would call us somewhere else but I didn't think it would happen 8 months into the job ya know?
Anyways I've been sruggling with understanding and trusting in the goodness of Godand I came across this in Tozers The knowledge of the Holy written by Charles Wesley
O God, my hope, my heavenly rest,
My all of happiness below,
Grand my importunate request,
To me, to me, Thy goodness show;
Thy beatific face display,
The brightness of eternal day.
Before my faith's enlightened eyes,
Make all Thy gracious goodness pass;
Thy goodness is the sight I prize;
O might I see Thy smiling face;
Thy nature in my soul proclaim,
Reveal Thy love, Thy glorious name
Any ways the coolest part of my day yesterday was that I got to talk online with Julia who's in Japan! it was so nice to hear from her and I didn't realize it until I began chatting but I missed her so much and to know she was so far away was sad. I did want to ask her how great the possibility was for her to jump from Japan and into China to see the Olympics- but I think that would sound way too dumb, lol, so I didn't ask.
Onto the hard stuff- so they let Jesse go from NewCov cause of budget problems. Yeah...lol, now we're both home with some projects to do but I find myself flipping back and forth through different emotions. Mad at everything- including the church and then I feel so free because we are no longer tied down to New Cov. I remeber feeling a little trapped because of this job because I thought we'd always have to stay in Fresno. I honestly thought Jesse would have this job forever. I thought maybe ten years down the road God would call us somewhere else but I didn't think it would happen 8 months into the job ya know?
Anyways I've been sruggling with understanding and trusting in the goodness of Godand I came across this in Tozers The knowledge of the Holy written by Charles Wesley
O God, my hope, my heavenly rest,
My all of happiness below,
Grand my importunate request,
To me, to me, Thy goodness show;
Thy beatific face display,
The brightness of eternal day.
Before my faith's enlightened eyes,
Make all Thy gracious goodness pass;
Thy goodness is the sight I prize;
O might I see Thy smiling face;
Thy nature in my soul proclaim,
Reveal Thy love, Thy glorious name
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sleeping...Dolphins
on one of my vacation days I woke up had breakfast went back to sleep till eleven goofed around till three took another nap till five-ish had dinner and the rest of the night I can't remember but pretty relaxing. Today we took a couple of walks- we even saw dolphins when we were at the Monterey wharf! It looked like it was a mother and baby- so cute! They were randomly putting on a show for the Kayakers! Swimming around and doing jumps, it went on for a whole 40 minutes- it was an amazing time for me and Jess.
Sam our cuz is in town- and we're ready to have a night out with the cousins to enjoy Julia before she leaves. No idea what we're doing yet but I'll let you know tomorrow what we did.
Sam our cuz is in town- and we're ready to have a night out with the cousins to enjoy Julia before she leaves. No idea what we're doing yet but I'll let you know tomorrow what we did.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Daniels story
So we visited Salinas Valley Community Church today for a Sunday sermon. I'm telling you- it was so nice to be able to wake up in the morning- not nervous and in a rush to get to church to get ready to teach the lesson and feel so panicky about the craft for the kids- scrambling around for ideas (aaahhhh!!!!). It was a very calming experience- we were even there like twenty minutes early. I felt like I was able to breathe and I even slept the night before!
I miss only being minimally involved at the church. Isn't that sad? I think I'm just so tired of being there all the time- but I still feel called to be there is the frustrating thing. I'm just going to leave that as is and figure the rest of the year with God.
Anyways the sermon was about Daniel and how had he not been taken captive into Babylon God for him just wouldn't have been as big. It was also about his resilience, more specifically about verse 8 in the first chapter "But Daniel determined he would not defile himself"- after having been taken captive out of my home land and even having my name changed I would have felt so robbed! So naked of myself and what I've grown up to know as myself- how could Daniel have been determined to do anything? I would have just given up- but he still had strength left in him to put his foot down. He still held a piece of himself even though everything else was taken away. Even learning what his name meant was comforting (hebrew class memories) Dani-el (el being God and Dani meaning Judges) God Judges. Try holding onto THAT while the whole world is going topsy turvy.
I dunno it brought me comfort to know that maybe that's why I've had my summer of "babylon" -maybe God just wouldn't have been that big- maybe okay to rely on sometimes- but not the sturdy foundation I need to get me through this.
I miss only being minimally involved at the church. Isn't that sad? I think I'm just so tired of being there all the time- but I still feel called to be there is the frustrating thing. I'm just going to leave that as is and figure the rest of the year with God.
Anyways the sermon was about Daniel and how had he not been taken captive into Babylon God for him just wouldn't have been as big. It was also about his resilience, more specifically about verse 8 in the first chapter "But Daniel determined he would not defile himself"- after having been taken captive out of my home land and even having my name changed I would have felt so robbed! So naked of myself and what I've grown up to know as myself- how could Daniel have been determined to do anything? I would have just given up- but he still had strength left in him to put his foot down. He still held a piece of himself even though everything else was taken away. Even learning what his name meant was comforting (hebrew class memories) Dani-el (el being God and Dani meaning Judges) God Judges. Try holding onto THAT while the whole world is going topsy turvy.
I dunno it brought me comfort to know that maybe that's why I've had my summer of "babylon" -maybe God just wouldn't have been that big- maybe okay to rely on sometimes- but not the sturdy foundation I need to get me through this.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Vacation time
Hey guys, on vacation. lol, it sorta feels just the same as when Jesse went to work anyways- the afternoon naps and all. The best part is that we're in Salinas and we visited the beach today. We keep the windows open throughout the whole day and there's always a nice fresh breeze.
Going to go do some Bible reading. Bye!
will check in later with more stuff to say. ;)
Going to go do some Bible reading. Bye!
will check in later with more stuff to say. ;)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Poetry
I realized that I haven't read any poetry in a while. I used to read it and write it constantly- my teachers loved my work. I guess sometimes you can become so consumed with one thing if you're not careful. Anyways, I've decided to pick it back up as a hobby. I found a book I've been looking for- for about 5 years. I only knew what the cover looked like, what the author looked like- no names or anything. After about so many years I found it today and I praised God for it. It is titled The Heart of God- prayers of Rabindranath Tagore. Here is one line that I've enjoyed thoroughly over and over again:
"Rebelliously I put out the light in my house,
and Your sky surprised me with its stars."
Reminds me of my spiritual life.
"Rebelliously I put out the light in my house,
and Your sky surprised me with its stars."
Reminds me of my spiritual life.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Tagged
A. Attached or Single: Attatched
B. Best Friend: Jesse Caron & my sisters- it's a tie all around
C. Cake or Pie: Cake- duh!
D. Day of Choice: Saturday
E. Essential Item: my mom- she makes the best hot chocolate in the world lol, does that count?
F. Flavor of Ice Cream: Jamoca Almond Fudge
G. Gummy bears or Worms: Sour gummy worms- preferably stale, lol
H. Hometown: Fresyes
I. Indulgences: ooohhhh getting great buys on clearance- I have to stop myself sometimes
J. January or July: July
K. Kids: nope gots none- and hopefully won't for a couple of years ;)
L. Last Movie I saw in a Theater: Expelled- saw it with the church
M. Middle Name: lol John- it was a tradition in Russa/Armenia to name the first child after the father, thank God they made it my middle name instead of my first- I just tell people Joan to avoid the retelling of the story- I think it's kind of cool though.
N. Number of Siblings: 3- including Juuleeya!
O. Orange or Apples: mmm...oranges- think of the citrus!
P. Phobias or fears: blood coming out of appendages
Q. Quote: no cuts, no butts, no coconuts (4th grade)
R. Reasons to Smile: a day when the wind is blowing lightly and the sun is just spending a lazy day in the sky- when I take a walk in woodward park and enjoy the alone time with God in intimacy
S. Season: Summer! I love it so much I'll probably name one of my girls that.
T. Tag 3: Azy, Scott, and Arev so she'll have to start a blog, lol
U. Unknown fact about me: sometimes I listen to spanish music just cause
V. Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals: oppressor all the way- when I look at cows all I can think of all the steak I could eat.
W. Worst Habit: biting my nails
X. X-rays or Ultra-sounds: Ultra sounds, at least the gelly stuff is warm, I don't like standing on a cold floor for the x-rays.
Y. Your favorite food: hmm...I think it's a tie between the Bay Scallop Sushi roll and a Dominoz Pizza with only Canadian Bacon on top. yum...I'm hungry.
Z. Zodiac: I'm a Leo- use to study all that stuff in depth before I became a Christian- then I threw all my horoscope books away. but I'm supposedly very stubborn- you can verify that with Jesse.
B. Best Friend: Jesse Caron & my sisters- it's a tie all around
C. Cake or Pie: Cake- duh!
D. Day of Choice: Saturday
E. Essential Item: my mom- she makes the best hot chocolate in the world lol, does that count?
F. Flavor of Ice Cream: Jamoca Almond Fudge
G. Gummy bears or Worms: Sour gummy worms- preferably stale, lol
H. Hometown: Fresyes
I. Indulgences: ooohhhh getting great buys on clearance- I have to stop myself sometimes
J. January or July: July
K. Kids: nope gots none- and hopefully won't for a couple of years ;)
L. Last Movie I saw in a Theater: Expelled- saw it with the church
M. Middle Name: lol John- it was a tradition in Russa/Armenia to name the first child after the father, thank God they made it my middle name instead of my first- I just tell people Joan to avoid the retelling of the story- I think it's kind of cool though.
N. Number of Siblings: 3- including Juuleeya!
O. Orange or Apples: mmm...oranges- think of the citrus!
P. Phobias or fears: blood coming out of appendages
Q. Quote: no cuts, no butts, no coconuts (4th grade)
R. Reasons to Smile: a day when the wind is blowing lightly and the sun is just spending a lazy day in the sky- when I take a walk in woodward park and enjoy the alone time with God in intimacy
S. Season: Summer! I love it so much I'll probably name one of my girls that.
T. Tag 3: Azy, Scott, and Arev so she'll have to start a blog, lol
U. Unknown fact about me: sometimes I listen to spanish music just cause
V. Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals: oppressor all the way- when I look at cows all I can think of all the steak I could eat.
W. Worst Habit: biting my nails
X. X-rays or Ultra-sounds: Ultra sounds, at least the gelly stuff is warm, I don't like standing on a cold floor for the x-rays.
Y. Your favorite food: hmm...I think it's a tie between the Bay Scallop Sushi roll and a Dominoz Pizza with only Canadian Bacon on top. yum...I'm hungry.
Z. Zodiac: I'm a Leo- use to study all that stuff in depth before I became a Christian- then I threw all my horoscope books away. but I'm supposedly very stubborn- you can verify that with Jesse.
VBS
So this has been an interesting and tiring week all at the same time. Some how we ended up with about a hundred fifth and sixth graders. It was crazy when we were getting to all the trips on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Out of all the days my favorites were Monday when I got to take over for Hilary as a sixth grade leader -I really got a great chance to bond with our boys! Which never happens because to me- they are one of the more frustrating parts of ministry to deal with some times. But by the end of it I think the boys actually admired me because I made them stand up on the chairs for worship and yell their lungs out. They learned my name so fast, I loved hearing them run up to me and say "Arpee, Arpee!". I don't think I'll have a day like that again.
That is one of those memories that I like to lock up in my memory bank to look back on again some day and wish for another one.
My second favorite day of the week was Wednesday- water day. Kendell was so cool (one of our helpers whose in high school). Every time she would head up the slide she'd turn around and yell for me to come up with her. lol, She even told me the best way to go down (which we were warning the kids not to do ;) which was head first). At one point I was heading up one side of the slide and my foot slipped and I fell back taking everyone else behind me down as well, then the boys did it again except I was about to climb up so when I saw everyone falling towards me I jumped out of the way. It was awesome being wet the whole day in the 110 degree heat. All of Hilary's kids were watching by the side and the adults were going crazy with the slip n slide and the hoses and the water slide- spraying each other and just enjoying the feeling- it was awesome!
As for the job hunt- for some reason I've been feeling like Gods been encouraging me to take it day by day- even though it still stresses me out I just have to accept that this is where God prefers to have me right now and in order to serve him this is the best place I can be.
That is one of those memories that I like to lock up in my memory bank to look back on again some day and wish for another one.
My second favorite day of the week was Wednesday- water day. Kendell was so cool (one of our helpers whose in high school). Every time she would head up the slide she'd turn around and yell for me to come up with her. lol, She even told me the best way to go down (which we were warning the kids not to do ;) which was head first). At one point I was heading up one side of the slide and my foot slipped and I fell back taking everyone else behind me down as well, then the boys did it again except I was about to climb up so when I saw everyone falling towards me I jumped out of the way. It was awesome being wet the whole day in the 110 degree heat. All of Hilary's kids were watching by the side and the adults were going crazy with the slip n slide and the hoses and the water slide- spraying each other and just enjoying the feeling- it was awesome!
As for the job hunt- for some reason I've been feeling like Gods been encouraging me to take it day by day- even though it still stresses me out I just have to accept that this is where God prefers to have me right now and in order to serve him this is the best place I can be.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Arev's Graduation
Arev is graduating tomorrow! She has been more than ready to kiss high school goodbye for a year now. I'm glad she will no longer be oppressed by the physical prison any more (my little inside joke- I always compare high school to a physical prison and college as a mental prison- it's always one or the other with the education system so I believe -I guess you could say I'm not a school person) anyways, she's out shopping for a dress, and Azy's coming in from Sugar Pine tomorrow to help me cheer Arev on. It's going to be a fun night I believe. Woohoo!!!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Other Places
So my job wait/search has become bearable at least. Every morning I wake up with my heart beating kind of fast because it's the first thing I think about when I wake up. Isn't that sad. Anyways, then I spend some time on the couch struggling with God while reading my Bible which eventually leads to me praying on my knees.
I realized the other day that one of the ladies at new cov had something I didn't. She works with her daughter in a cleaning service she started after she lost her husband in an accident and all income with it. Anyways, I was in one of my moods ready to start crying when I saw her come down the stairs, I turned away to avoid conversation but the funny thing was she didn't even see me. Instead I ended up watching her pick up little pieces of garbage off of the floor but what was most amazing was that she looked completely at peace, at ease, in a calm satisfied place doing it. I think it was a God moment showing me how he could bring the greatest amount of peace and satisfaction to every moment. Even moments that you would think should be sad and miserable.
She made me want what she had. There I was feeling so low and she had everything that I wanted. Why can't I just simplify my life and let God take care of things like she did with hers? Why is it so difficult for me to believe that where God wants me is where I am supposed to be regardless of how difficult it is right now. I don't know.
Anyways, today I applied to Uncle Harry's Bagels (which IS a bagelry- Jesse didn't believe that the word existed and that I was making it up until I saw it on the sign and told him so in a voice mail I sent him), checked on my application at Home Goods, picked up an application at Vonda's. That's where I am at for now. I was also mildly promised a position at the Fresno Pacific Kitchen. I was supposed to call in today to come in for an interview but when I did they pushed it back to next Monday- so we'll see if that comes through.
I realized the other day that one of the ladies at new cov had something I didn't. She works with her daughter in a cleaning service she started after she lost her husband in an accident and all income with it. Anyways, I was in one of my moods ready to start crying when I saw her come down the stairs, I turned away to avoid conversation but the funny thing was she didn't even see me. Instead I ended up watching her pick up little pieces of garbage off of the floor but what was most amazing was that she looked completely at peace, at ease, in a calm satisfied place doing it. I think it was a God moment showing me how he could bring the greatest amount of peace and satisfaction to every moment. Even moments that you would think should be sad and miserable.
She made me want what she had. There I was feeling so low and she had everything that I wanted. Why can't I just simplify my life and let God take care of things like she did with hers? Why is it so difficult for me to believe that where God wants me is where I am supposed to be regardless of how difficult it is right now. I don't know.
Anyways, today I applied to Uncle Harry's Bagels (which IS a bagelry- Jesse didn't believe that the word existed and that I was making it up until I saw it on the sign and told him so in a voice mail I sent him), checked on my application at Home Goods, picked up an application at Vonda's. That's where I am at for now. I was also mildly promised a position at the Fresno Pacific Kitchen. I was supposed to call in today to come in for an interview but when I did they pushed it back to next Monday- so we'll see if that comes through.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The Freezing Market
I finally broke down and applied to Target, this is my last shot. I just heard that the church is freezing all hiring which is a definite no for me. oh well, I guess I wasn't too surprised to hear that. Arev called me and said she was praying for me, I suggested she pray more, lol. She's such a sweet heart. I guess there's nothing else I can do.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Creation
"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into glorious freedom of the children of God" -Romans 8:20-21
This is what I feel like, the creation that was subjected to frustration - not by my own choice but by the will of the one who subjected it. But I don't think I ever really thought about the second part of the verse and how it applied to me- in hopes that the creation itself (me) would be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into glorious freedom... the funny thing is that for the last month and a half I've been praying for freedom. Freedom from my anxieties, my anger, my tendency to grab food when I'm nervous (the whole comforting thing). I've been praying that I would not live with just a "managing" life style because at points it all just crashes down on to me. I need complete and absolute freedom from all of it.
I don't understand how subjecting creation to frustration can lead to even more freedom. I know and feel like in the last two to three months I've been hurting every single day. But knowing that it will eventually lead to freedom...well it gives me breath to breathe. It shakes my focus on this day to look forward to a new day. I've been wanting a new song to sing rather than this old "this life sucks" sort of thing. I wonder what my new song will be and when God will bring it.
This is what I feel like, the creation that was subjected to frustration - not by my own choice but by the will of the one who subjected it. But I don't think I ever really thought about the second part of the verse and how it applied to me- in hopes that the creation itself (me) would be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into glorious freedom... the funny thing is that for the last month and a half I've been praying for freedom. Freedom from my anxieties, my anger, my tendency to grab food when I'm nervous (the whole comforting thing). I've been praying that I would not live with just a "managing" life style because at points it all just crashes down on to me. I need complete and absolute freedom from all of it.
I don't understand how subjecting creation to frustration can lead to even more freedom. I know and feel like in the last two to three months I've been hurting every single day. But knowing that it will eventually lead to freedom...well it gives me breath to breathe. It shakes my focus on this day to look forward to a new day. I've been wanting a new song to sing rather than this old "this life sucks" sort of thing. I wonder what my new song will be and when God will bring it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Jesse's sympathy
It's hard waking up in the mornings knowing I have nothing planned. It's not like one of those great moments when you've been dying for a break -when you're excited that you have nothing planned. No it's rather "oh, I'm awake...what do I do...I don't want to lie around all day, I'm tired of volunteering, I'm frustrated with all the employers calling (rather not!), I guess I could look through a magazine until Jesse wakes up and gets ready for work"-it's that kind of apathy I wake up with every morning. There's just nothing to do, I'm so frustrated I don't even want to clean up the apartment, btw it's a mess.
Anyways, Jesse always some how ends up talking me into getting dressed and going with him to NewCov to help him out. We were home during lunch and the tv was on, and low and behold the commercial came on (which I talked about in the previous blog) and Jesse was in the middle of making lunch in the kitchen when he heard it come on. He bolted over and turned the tv off, lol- and I knew he had read my blog.
Life just sucks right now. I don't like being at home and i'm tired of hanging out everywhere else- I'm basically useless. I don't understand God sometimes or what He's doing. I have no clue what's going on or where I'm headed. I feel like the only thing that helps are prayers, that's the only time I see a difference and I know people are thinking of me. I see God move then.
Anyways, Jesse always some how ends up talking me into getting dressed and going with him to NewCov to help him out. We were home during lunch and the tv was on, and low and behold the commercial came on (which I talked about in the previous blog) and Jesse was in the middle of making lunch in the kitchen when he heard it come on. He bolted over and turned the tv off, lol- and I knew he had read my blog.
Life just sucks right now. I don't like being at home and i'm tired of hanging out everywhere else- I'm basically useless. I don't understand God sometimes or what He's doing. I have no clue what's going on or where I'm headed. I feel like the only thing that helps are prayers, that's the only time I see a difference and I know people are thinking of me. I see God move then.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Job search...take 14
Alright, I just newly graduated more than two weeks ago from a private university located in Fresno, California. It's time to cash in those college dollars for a real job, only there is not one available! Can any one say lame?
Now, not only are there not any positions available in the area I received a degree in, but there are no menial jobs open as well! I think that I've decided that this might have been one of the worst times to graduate.
Those annoying commercials keep coming on tv where they repeat over and over again "I don't make any money, I can't get a job because I didn't graduate high school, I didn't graduate high school, I didn't graduate high school" (you know, the one's with the really bad actors) at which point I chime in "I don't make any money and I graduated from college". This doesn't seem fair, I actually graduated High school, went onto college and managed to finish that too! What's my next option- going back to school to get a masters because no one is hiring now? This seems ridiculous to me. All I can do is apply, apply and apply, I wonder how long this blog is going to last for.
Jesse convinced me to do this to keep track of how the job search is going as well as vent my frustrations to the world. we'll see what happens, after all this is only day 14 of job search 2008.
Now, not only are there not any positions available in the area I received a degree in, but there are no menial jobs open as well! I think that I've decided that this might have been one of the worst times to graduate.
Those annoying commercials keep coming on tv where they repeat over and over again "I don't make any money, I can't get a job because I didn't graduate high school, I didn't graduate high school, I didn't graduate high school" (you know, the one's with the really bad actors) at which point I chime in "I don't make any money and I graduated from college". This doesn't seem fair, I actually graduated High school, went onto college and managed to finish that too! What's my next option- going back to school to get a masters because no one is hiring now? This seems ridiculous to me. All I can do is apply, apply and apply, I wonder how long this blog is going to last for.
Jesse convinced me to do this to keep track of how the job search is going as well as vent my frustrations to the world. we'll see what happens, after all this is only day 14 of job search 2008.