Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Feeling Better
okay so during my last post I was clearly feeling angry and very emotional. But I think I feel better now. lol. Things have gotten better and I'm used to working at chic-fil-a now- so things are turning upwards. I did apply for a position at the Fresno Pacific North Center but for some reason I'm not feeling like it's going to come through- not a surprise since from the begining God has been doing some funny things with the direction I'm headed in. any ways, what else can I say- I have figured out that I love teaching and thus want to be in ministry interacting and growing with people, but I haven't decided or rather figured out what department I want to be in more- childrens or womens? I like when I'm teaching kids and they finally understand what Jesus is saying! it's one of the coolest moments ever when it finally clicks with them- but I also like connecting with women and encouraging them through the word- ya know? I feel like God might keep me at Chic-fil-a while he grows me some more- which isn't so bad- but I just want everything now- I want my dream job now. I don't want to wait God knows how long, lol. just give it to me now! please? I don't think I can persuade God. oh well...there's an update for everyone since my last temper tantrum.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
More Changes
Sigh...today was our first Sunday at North West which will probably lead to many more Sundays at North West.
Change is hard, this has been a whole year of change for me and I don't like it but it's not my place to tell God how he's supposed to be running my life.
I'm getting used to working at Chick-fil-A and learning to make every single day a day to (a) serve the Lord and (b) serve our owner Sonja. It's hard at times. Sometimes I'm so tired of people I don't think I can stand the sight of another person, and sometimes I'm faced with so many challenges I just want to give up sit in a corner and cry. But then I stop sabotaging the situation and relax to see what God can do through me and He does a lot!
I miss stability. More than anything I'm reeling from the neglect I felt from our previous church. Being let go and wished a happy life by the ones you love sucks when you trust yourself to them and they don't seem to care any more because you are no longer an asset to them. No one thinks it's going to happen to them and everyone pretty much turns a blind eye to it until it gets them too. I really have been trying to process feeling betrayed and neglected by the same church that brought me to Christ.
It all sounds depressing but it's everything that I've been dealing with lately and I needed an outlet. I've decided I'm not going to turn a blind eye to these things anymore. I get so mad when it's just accepted as normal. That's not what Christians are called to and I will never be a part of something like that- or a church like that ever.
Change is hard, this has been a whole year of change for me and I don't like it but it's not my place to tell God how he's supposed to be running my life.
I'm getting used to working at Chick-fil-A and learning to make every single day a day to (a) serve the Lord and (b) serve our owner Sonja. It's hard at times. Sometimes I'm so tired of people I don't think I can stand the sight of another person, and sometimes I'm faced with so many challenges I just want to give up sit in a corner and cry. But then I stop sabotaging the situation and relax to see what God can do through me and He does a lot!
I miss stability. More than anything I'm reeling from the neglect I felt from our previous church. Being let go and wished a happy life by the ones you love sucks when you trust yourself to them and they don't seem to care any more because you are no longer an asset to them. No one thinks it's going to happen to them and everyone pretty much turns a blind eye to it until it gets them too. I really have been trying to process feeling betrayed and neglected by the same church that brought me to Christ.
It all sounds depressing but it's everything that I've been dealing with lately and I needed an outlet. I've decided I'm not going to turn a blind eye to these things anymore. I get so mad when it's just accepted as normal. That's not what Christians are called to and I will never be a part of something like that- or a church like that ever.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Bummed Out
The last couple of days I've just been complaining over and over again about having to go to work to a fast food restaurant- even though I haven't started. During the days my heart beats faster and I'm nervous about how everythings going to start and get going. Part of me kept hurting at the idea of going back to work but I couldn't put my finger on why- I just kept feeling empty and sad.
I think I just bearly realized it today was because I'm not going to be with Jesse anymore. For eight months we've gone to work together and spent almost a hundred percent of all of our time together and we've grown so much from that. Now I'm going to be spending a major part of my day without turning around and seeing him next to me and it really makes me cry. I don't understand why we have to go threw what we're going threw and why this change in our life had to happen so quickly and unexpectantly and why it does not seem as though there are going to be any more doors that are giong to open to Jesse and I that allows us to further the Kingdom together. It feels like we're being seperated. I know it sounds like I'm being dramatic but after you've grown so close to a person any distance seems like a tearing away. I wish we could work together somewhere and know we were doing the work of God. I just don't know any more.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Chic-Fil-A
Okay people- latest bit of news is that I did land a position somewhere (finally!). In fact I think I got the last position too- It's at Chic-Fil-A and it's located next to the In-n-Out on Blackstone and Nees, so if you want to visit me you know where to find me. Next week is training and the week after that is the grand opening (the 18th). Next Friday and Saturday we'll be giving away free sandwhiches if you guys have never had any Chic-Fil-A food before- the goal is to give away 10,000- you should stop on by or I'll let you know where you'll be able to go to find us.
Also another possible position is as a caregiver for an elderly lady- her name's Mary and it's a connection through some friends at Church. So we'll see how it will work, I'll know for sure how it's going to work out by Friday when I get to check my schedule. I can't believe I'll be working and earning money- it's been such a long time! The only thing is that I'll mostly be working with High schoolers (I think- I haven't met my co-workers yet) but I'm pretty sure they're going to be great to work with.
anyways thank you for all of your prayers, I'm just trying to praise the Lord for everything he's providing us with. It's pretty awesome. Thank you Lord!
'
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Shack
Okay so I've been reading this book that my friend Katie let me borrow titled The Shack written by William P. Young. It's supposed to be about this man who meets God in a Shack somewhere in the middle of a frozen wasteland (it's fiction btw). Anyways- I thought it would be interesting to read it considering my current circumstances- being denied the nth job I applied to- and everything looks good- my resume has been perfected several times, blah blah blah still haven't gotten a job and at this point I'm wondering what in the world God is up to. He is getting to the point where He is making me furious.
Getting on with it- anyways there's this point in the dialogue when Mack- (main character who's meeting with God)- and Papa -(God) are talking about why humans feel so limited, not understanding the love of God and how that changes their understanding and view of God. I should also mention that in the book, God is a big black lady- any ways here's it goes:
"Well, I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not." (Mack speaking) He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but she ignored it completely.
"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. Mackenzie, I am what some would say 'holy and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think." (pg 98)
Anyways- I read this and it made me laugh a little- I think I'm doing that with God right now- making him the best picture of me. I'm trying to understand Him by giving Him a human mind limiting Him in the same ways all humans are. This is all so confusing. I keep thinking that if I accuse Him of something- He'll have to show up to defend Himself. Nothing yet- I'll report back when I have a shack like experience with Him- boy will that be fun.
Getting on with it- anyways there's this point in the dialogue when Mack- (main character who's meeting with God)- and Papa -(God) are talking about why humans feel so limited, not understanding the love of God and how that changes their understanding and view of God. I should also mention that in the book, God is a big black lady- any ways here's it goes:
"Well, I really have no idea. I mean, you're God and I'm not." (Mack speaking) He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice, but she ignored it completely.
"Yes, but not exactly. At least not in the way you're thinking. Mackenzie, I am what some would say 'holy and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think." (pg 98)
Anyways- I read this and it made me laugh a little- I think I'm doing that with God right now- making him the best picture of me. I'm trying to understand Him by giving Him a human mind limiting Him in the same ways all humans are. This is all so confusing. I keep thinking that if I accuse Him of something- He'll have to show up to defend Himself. Nothing yet- I'll report back when I have a shack like experience with Him- boy will that be fun.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I'm back!
Yay! I'm back online- this only took about forever! my computer was slowly starting to die on me and I couldn't watch it sink down in to nothingness so I stopped using it completely. Jesse is more connected online and had to deal with the dumb Dell computer- this was bad and it didn't even have a virus! it took ten minutes to load sometimes fifteen and if you tried to open a program up in the middle of the loading process (heaven forbid) it would take twenty minutes total and to top that it would freeze when it was done- can you believe this? Me and Jess decided that the next computer we invest our money into is definately Not going to be a pc- it's going to be a mac. Wow I never thought we would have turned but Dell did it.
Any ways the coolest part of my day yesterday was that I got to talk online with Julia who's in Japan! it was so nice to hear from her and I didn't realize it until I began chatting but I missed her so much and to know she was so far away was sad. I did want to ask her how great the possibility was for her to jump from Japan and into China to see the Olympics- but I think that would sound way too dumb, lol, so I didn't ask.
Onto the hard stuff- so they let Jesse go from NewCov cause of budget problems. Yeah...lol, now we're both home with some projects to do but I find myself flipping back and forth through different emotions. Mad at everything- including the church and then I feel so free because we are no longer tied down to New Cov. I remeber feeling a little trapped because of this job because I thought we'd always have to stay in Fresno. I honestly thought Jesse would have this job forever. I thought maybe ten years down the road God would call us somewhere else but I didn't think it would happen 8 months into the job ya know?
Anyways I've been sruggling with understanding and trusting in the goodness of Godand I came across this in Tozers The knowledge of the Holy written by Charles Wesley
O God, my hope, my heavenly rest,
My all of happiness below,
Grand my importunate request,
To me, to me, Thy goodness show;
Thy beatific face display,
The brightness of eternal day.
Before my faith's enlightened eyes,
Make all Thy gracious goodness pass;
Thy goodness is the sight I prize;
O might I see Thy smiling face;
Thy nature in my soul proclaim,
Reveal Thy love, Thy glorious name
Any ways the coolest part of my day yesterday was that I got to talk online with Julia who's in Japan! it was so nice to hear from her and I didn't realize it until I began chatting but I missed her so much and to know she was so far away was sad. I did want to ask her how great the possibility was for her to jump from Japan and into China to see the Olympics- but I think that would sound way too dumb, lol, so I didn't ask.
Onto the hard stuff- so they let Jesse go from NewCov cause of budget problems. Yeah...lol, now we're both home with some projects to do but I find myself flipping back and forth through different emotions. Mad at everything- including the church and then I feel so free because we are no longer tied down to New Cov. I remeber feeling a little trapped because of this job because I thought we'd always have to stay in Fresno. I honestly thought Jesse would have this job forever. I thought maybe ten years down the road God would call us somewhere else but I didn't think it would happen 8 months into the job ya know?
Anyways I've been sruggling with understanding and trusting in the goodness of Godand I came across this in Tozers The knowledge of the Holy written by Charles Wesley
O God, my hope, my heavenly rest,
My all of happiness below,
Grand my importunate request,
To me, to me, Thy goodness show;
Thy beatific face display,
The brightness of eternal day.
Before my faith's enlightened eyes,
Make all Thy gracious goodness pass;
Thy goodness is the sight I prize;
O might I see Thy smiling face;
Thy nature in my soul proclaim,
Reveal Thy love, Thy glorious name